dinsdag 24 november 2015

ik zal mijn lied nog eenmaal zingen

 i did not expect to ever be writing this, but; i have been really busy!
those who follow my instagram (and have enjoyed my toilet selfies hah.) already know i've been in a chronical pain treatment for the past few months.
it's something i had been waiting for a long time
and i think it really is something that is helping me get further.
over the years i have grown to ignore the signs my body gave me during the day
and i am learning to listen to it again.
even though my body is screaming most of the time.
my grandfather and grandmother have both died in the past four months
and to bury them so shortly after eachother has been hard on the whole family, especially my mum.
i still can't fully comprehend that they are actually gone.
the other day i wanted to write a postcard, and almost bought one for them, too.

i am rediscovering the dutch language through the singer
and thinking about writing my mind here in my mother language as well.

i am slowly changing, and for the first time i'm not actually afraid
but excited, most of the time.

vrijdag 9 oktober 2015

beauty standard?

every once in a while, i think it is important to post pictures
in which i accentuate the things in my face i am less content with.
for example, all the freckles, dots and spots in my face. or that i always have dark circles underneath my eyes. i'm wearing less or no concealer the past months because i am starting to accept it's part of my face.
it's so easy these days to use photoshop or an app to make your face look 'prettier'
and that's just stupid, unhealthy and most of all
it doesn't give you a real reflection.
so here you go; me without make up, and accentuating all that isn't 'pretty' about my face.
according to the impossible beauty standard ofcourse.

maandag 28 september 2015

let me introduce you

 as you might have noticed, i have been quite busy working together with a lovely store from Amsterdam;
a concept store with modern secondhand designer clothes, dutch designs and vintage furniture
all build up by the lovely Eva Koolen! 
each item is hand-picked by her, and she has such a great eye for color and textures.
i think it's really something for people who like thriftshops (like myself), 
but want to wear better quality and have a little bit more to spend.
if you are ever in Amsterdam, i reccomend visiting her at Kolifleur (: 

so you might have seen some of my looks for Kolifleur on my instagram already
but here are the results from our last shoot!
 if you are interested in one of the pieces, you can send an email to kolifleur@gmail.com
but be quick, because there's only one of them each

pictures are taken by Niek Doup

maandag 7 september 2015

happy birthdays

just a little post with some pictures from past month
to celebrate the birthdays of melle and ronja hah.
melle turned 5 years old yesterday, and ronja 2 on the 20th of august!
i am just so thankful for their unconditional love, their presence and thousands of hugs
and for making me smile everyday.

so, now that i got this little emo-moment out of my system; a little update!
summer left us, leaving behind a crying sky for the past week
caught my first cold, got an exciting offer for a cooperation (will get back to you about that later!)
bought sims 3 for the xbox, realised after hours of playing i had done a lot of productive things in my sims' life
yet not in mine.

vrijdag 4 september 2015

wiggely wig

 so just after i wrote the previous post with the quesiont 'would you ever dye your hair a pastel color?'
i recieved this lovely wig from Newdress!
so this is what i would look like with a pastel color hair.
i just love wigs, and hilde and i want to go undercover to the bar we always hang out, with wigs and different kind of clothes, and see if people notice it's us. i am grinning just writing about it. but most likely it would be pretty obvious its us hahah.
 i wore it in front of our dog wobbe, and she barked at me.
ronja and melle were a little smarter.
anyway, direct link to the wig

woensdag 2 september 2015


would you ever dye your hair a pastel color?
i recently took a chance to see what i'd look like with white-ish hair, using photoshop hahah
but then i realised it wouldn't look too good, and that i am very attached to my red hair
and to get it any pastel color i would have to bleach my hair. which would kill it.
so, nope.

what are your plans and wishes for the future?
i try not to think or plan too much for the future.
it relies on my body how much i would be able to do.

have you ever thought about being a youtuber?
hah i actually have, because it's been requested some times already
but really, i'm a terrible speaker, i get so uncomfortable.
and what on earth would i talk about!

how did you meet Hans?
we met at first class of highschool! i remember seeing her and thinking she looked so cool hahah
within days we pulled towards eachother, and became friends.
and have been ever since!
hans and me at age 14 (?)

what is your favourite band?
i never really have one favourite band, but there are ones i listen to more than others
for example i am very fond of Alt J, Sara Schiralli, CW Stoneking, Stromae and First Aid Kit

how did you get your haircolor?
allrighty, once and for all.
my hair is naturally dark brown, i never bleached my hair
at first i used Guhl, copper red (left)
and let it bleach by the sun (red dye easily bleaches)
a few years later i started to dye my hair with Henna plus, red (right)
eventually mixing it with Henna plus, super red 

if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
it might sound a little cheesy, but i would live where i live right now.
i have never felt so at home as i do in this city.
i love my home, the friends nearby me, my parents.
however, since a short while i have been thinking of moving to one of the dutch islands
not for long, just a few months. but that's something for the future maybe.

how much money do you spend on your wardrobe?
very little! as i have a lot of sponsored clothes, and the rest is pretty much always thrifted.
and then i'd never pay more than 10 euros for an item.
Deventer has a huge amount of thriftshops and secondhand clothing stores
so i find almost something good every week!

what kind of shoes would you néver wear?
these kind of shoes. i hate the pointy nose, and they seem extremely uncomfortable.

i don't know if it's invasive, but i wanted to know if your problems with weight ended completely or partially?
it's not invasive, it's just a tricky subject, but it seems to help some people with similar problems, so i think it's a good thing to share.
i would say partially, as in it doesn't effect me the way it used to
i have reached a healthy weight, and have been able to contain it for the past 3 years
i can go out for dinner, eat with friends, make myself dinner.
when you meet me, i don't think it even shows in my behaviour anymore.
 unless you know me well.
because even though i have made a lot of progress, it's still always around.
i still have bad days, weeks, or months, 
in which i struggle with conflicts between my healthy and unhealthy mind. 
after a bad day, in which i cannot push my unhealthy self down, i find myself laying in bed at night
planning all kinds of things to lose weight again, promising i will do 'better' tomorrow.
and when i wake up again, i talk some sense into myself.
because i know by now what it means to lose weight.
i know i won't feel skinny, i'd feel even fatter.
i know it's not even about the weight.
i know it consumes time, i would eventually have to gain it all back
in order to live the life i lead now, i need my healthy weight.
i think about ronja and melle, and how i can't take care of them when i'm in a clinic.
i think about my parents, about how much it would hurt them to see me slide back again.
about my friends, that i would lose. 
because with eating disorders, there's no room for anything else than the eatingdisorder itself.
then i sigh, push my unhealthy self down, making room for my healthy self.
i make breakfast.

what is your favourite place to go to when you are sad?
the Ijssel river.
the water, the wide open space, wind through my hair and head,
clearing all negative thoughts.
it's a place that calms my mind. 

how much of your clothes are thrifted vs bought new?
i'd say 70% thrifted vs 30% bought new

are you bisexual?
i've never fallen in love with a girl, but wouldn't say i never would.

what is your biggest wish?
that all the people and animals i love will lead a happy healthy life.

who was the last person to make a change in your life, except yourself?
i think that would be Laila and Hilde!
my friends here in Deventer.
they have just made me so happy ever since i've known them.

is the netherlands a nice place to live?
i think it is! it's a very free country, with lots of different cultures
the health care is incredibly well, i always realise that if i'd live in america for example, i'd probably
just sit home and stare my days away, because it's that much more expensive there.
the weather however is not the best hah. lot's of rain.
and people from the netherlands are very direct!
which i love, because i am too.

what is your favourite beer?
brand zwaar blond!
but i'd rather drink red wine.

how did you get '' internet famous ' '?
i remember when posting something on Hyves (kind of the dutch Myspace)
and getting a comment that i should really start do Lookbook.nu
at the time it was still invite only, and eventually i got an invite
through there people asked me if i could start a blog, and upload more pictures
and from then on it just kinda snowballed into getting 'internet famous' 
my first lookbook shot.

if there are some questions i have not answered in this post
then its because i have answered them in my previous Q&A post
click here to see it

and if this is something you enjoy reading on my blog
i'd be happy to do it more often

maandag 17 augustus 2015

spring dress, autumn weather

my new great dress from romwe
click HERE for direct link
the fabric is really great and natural
so this is absolutely a new favourite
although i can not really wear it lately
it's been raining for days now, and i am starting to feel autumny
hah if thats even a word
so i just ordered sims 3 for the xbox, cuddeling up with a freshly made smoothie
(got a new blender, and making a pure fruit smoothie everyday now!)
my favourite now is still orangejuice with bananas and strawberries.
if you got a nice smoothie recipe, feel free to share!

woensdag 12 augustus 2015

Totally Spies

everyday i'm walking there with ronja i just realise how lucky i am
to live near such a beautiful river.
some days ago Laila, Hilde and i went to the Ijssel to have dinner
most of it just got sandy because of ronja, and a huge dog that walked by
but it was really lovely
eventually we got a little tipsy and took some fun shots
finding out that Laila was great at looking sarcasticly sexy on pictures
and pretended to be Sam Clover and Alex from Totally Spies
because of our haircolors.
and these things always sound better in my head hahah.
now i am sitting in my pyama's, wobbe is staying over again
and my home is full of animals.
and i just feel lucky, blessed and so happy.

sweet dreams dear readers, sorry for the messy and maybe not-making-sense-post
i'm just really tired

donderdag 23 juli 2015

goosebumps and bruises

he had pretty eyes
she saw when he was dead
and his eyes lay staring
in the back of his head

i took these pictures yesterday while meeting up with hans
it was lovely to see her again, especially now that we don't meet that often anymore
as we both have our own lives in different cities.
we had dinner together and talked about so many things 
my head is full of inspiration, my thoughts wander
but most of all, now i am tired and satisfied
it's pyama time.